Anyone can be an abuser. Abusers are not confined to one gender, race, religion, or sector of society. Many abusers are only abusive with their current or past intimate partners, and it is common for people outside of the relationship to not notice the abusive side of their personality.
There are, however, some traits that many abusers have that you can pay attention to.
Traits of an Abuser:
Abusers deny or minimize the seriousness of violence on the victim and other family members.
Abusers objectify the victim and view them as their property or sexual object.
Abusers may appear successful but, internally, they have low self-esteem and feel powerless or inadequate.
Abusers put the blame on others or on circumstances. For example, they may blame a violent outburst on stress, their partner’s behavior, having a difficult day, drugs, alcohol, or other factors.
Abusers do not respect your privacy.
Abusers do not call you by your name.
Warning Signs of an Abuser:
Think of these as red flags, pink flags, and/or warning signs
Extreme jealousy
Possessiveness
Unpredictability
A bad temper or mood swings
Controlling behavior
Threatening
Demeaning or humiliating the victim
Sabotaging the victim’s ability to make personal choices
Rigid or antiquated beliefs about male and female roles in relationships
Cruelty to animals
Rushing the relationship
Isolating the victim
Discount the word “NO”
Using “we” or “us” to establish premature trust at the very beginning of the relationship
Hyper-sensitive to anything perceived as criticism
Charming
Gaslighting
If these signs are present in your relationship, you will benefit by seeking help from a professional (therapist or counselor) or an advocate. It is often hard to tell what is “wrong” in an abusive relationship due to confusion from emotional, verbal, and mental manipulation. Telling your story to someone who knows the signs of domestic violence will put you on a path towards freedom and healing.
If you think you may be the victim of domestic violence, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont or Custer Counties in Colorado) call us at 719-275-2429. You can also call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you feel you are in a life-threatening situation, please call 911.