It can be hard to understand why a victim would continue to stay with their abuser. Knowing the WHY behind this decision will help you be more supportive if someone you love is in a domestic violence situation and they are not choosing to leave. Keep in mind that on average, it takes a victim 7 exit attempts before they leave and never return. If you think you may be the victim of abuse, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. These are common reasons victims stay with their abusers but keep in mind there are many more than what is listed here: FEAR - It is well-documented that victims are at the highest risk of injury when they are leaving. Increased threats of violence often convince a person to stay. An abuser often threatens to keep the children from the victim or threatens violence toward them. CONTROL - A victim might feel more control over the decision to stay in a relationship than to leave. They know what to expect from the abuser as far as their moods and how to behave in the least triggering way. Victims often fear (for good reason) that their abuser will lash out at friends or family if they leave. ISOLATION - An abuser often uses tactics to keep their partner away from family and friends. This leaves a victim without resources and a safe place, and, ultimately, without choices. FINANCES - Many victims lack the means to support themselves. Often an abuser will force a victim to quit their job or not allow them to work at all. Lack of access to household money is also an issue. The cost of leaving can be prohibitive when you consider kids, pets, transportation, housing, etc. PROMISES OF CHANGE - Abusers tend to make lots of promises of change and new behavior. They apologize and appear repentant, but that only lasts until the next violent outburst. LOVE - Love is usually present at the start of a relationship. Over time, as violence starts happening, the victim's feelings of love might not change. They might feel that with enough love, the abuser will change. And if there is a power dynamic in the relationship, the victim will feel responsible for the abuse and spend their time trying to "behave" to receive better treatment and be a better partner. If someone in your life says they are being abused, believe them. The best way to support them is to listen, partner with them in finding help, and respect the choices they make for themselves (even if you don't approve of their choices). If you think you may be the victim of abuse, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their judgment, reality, intuition, and even their own sanity. The abuser is seeking to gain power and control, as well as to create a false narrative in a situation. When speaking with the person who is doing the gaslighting, the victim may walk away feeling confused, as if there is something wrong with them. They may feel like they are at fault or that they are too sensitive. Gaslighting takes place in romantic, family, and workplace relationships. Here are some gaslighting tactics: Lying, including outright lies and hiding things or information. Telling a victim they are overreacting or too sensitive and dramatic. Questioning a victim's memory or version of events. Also, telling a victim they have a bad memory. Blaming a victim for the abuser's behavior (I got drunk and yelled at you because you didn't clean the house). Using kind, loving words to reduce conflict but not following up with actions. Minimizing behavior by saying "it was only a joke". Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted. Accusing the victim of getting their ideas from someone else, as if the victim's version of the story cannot be correct. Twisting a story to create a less condemning narrative for the abuser. Telling a victim they are crazy or their version of the story is crazy. Gaslighting can be hard to detect as it causes a person to be confused and question themselves. If you think you are being gaslit, talking to a therapist or trusted friend can be helpful. If you think you may be the victim of abuse, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

We hear a lot about victim blaming in the news and on social media, and I consider that a good thing. It is an issue that needs to be addressed and changed because it causes re-traumatization of victims and allows perpetrators to get away with their crimes. Victim blaming is placing full or partial responsibility for a crime or situation on a victim's shoulders. This plays out by people either asking questions that seek to find blame or accusing a victim of doing something wrong to bring about their situation or attack. If you think you may be the victim of abuse, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. One outcome of victim blaming is that victims don't feel safe coming forward with their story. They are concerned about being judged, not believed, and even blamed. This only serves to allow perpetrators to get away with acts of violence. Here are several victim blaming phrases and behaviors: HE/SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER - If he/she didn't go into that public bathroom or wear that dress or walk in the park alone. This implies that the victim made a choice that caused the situation. LACK OF EMPATHY/UNABLE TO SEE A PERSON'S PERSPECTIVE - It can be a challenge to see a situation from another person's viewpoint, especially when there are a lot of differences in lifestyle/income status/race/gender/ability. A person might assume that a victim deserved their treatment because of these perceived differences. THEY WERE "ASKING FOR IT" - When a rape victim was wearing a short skirt or flirting with the guys in the bar, some might say that she set herself up for being attacked. This is not the case because a rapist's actions are his/her own responsibility. The way to reduce the number of these crimes is to place the blame back where it belongs. THEY SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT BACK - It is easy to assume that when a dangerous situation comes our way, we will act bravely and heroically. We need to remember that if we have never experienced a violent or frightening attack, we truly have no idea how we will respond. Our body can kick into fight/flight/freeze mode which can leave us acting in unexpected ways, including giving in until the attack is over. ASSUMING IF THEY "DID THE RIGHT THING", IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED - This mindset is our human way to feeling safe. If I assume that avoiding a certain behavior (or, on the flip side, doing a certain thing) will keep me safe, I might assume that the victim is to blame because they didn't "follow the rules". This is why victims get questioned on things like "what were you wearing?", "were you drinking?", "were you flirting with him?". Victim blaming does not serve to help anyone, it only allows perpetrators to get away with their crimes. Victims need to be supported and advocated for after their attack. We can start by believing them and placing blame where it belongs - on the perpetrators. If you think you may be the victim of abuse, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

No means no, bottom line. You have the right to the power of your own body and to have boundaries. You are not a victim; you are a survivor. There are so many survivors of all different gender and identities. It doesn’t just happen to one gender. Some survivors may stay silent for years before sharing their story. However, the act is in no way acceptable. If you think you may be the victim of abuse, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Now, the subject of sex assault seems to be taken more seriously today. And our staff at Family Crisis Services are here to help you through the path of healing, no matter gender/identity, walk of life, or timeline. Many people are subjected to being sexually harassed and assaulted by others who felt as though they were in the position of power. Sexual assault isn’t just non-consensual sex with a stranger. No, it comes in multiple forms, that some people may not even be aware that they are being abused. Let’s take a look at a few of those circumstances, so you can know the different forms sexual assault can look like. Acquaintance Sexual Assault: Occurs when someone you know, or trust forces you to have sex. It can happen on a first date or someone you have been going out with for a few weeks. It can include friends, classmates, co-workers, girlfriend/boyfriends, or teachers. Drug Facilitated Sexual Assault: This is when drugs are utilized to cause amnesia and impairs your judgement. Drugs, even alcohol lowers inhibitions and can affect consciousness. The most common tools used are alcohol and ‘ruffies.’ You cannot consent to have sex when you are under the influen Marital Sexual Assault: Are sexual acts committed without a person’s consent, and the perpetrator is the individual’s spouse. Not a single person is entitled to control over your body. You still have the power to say ‘no’ when you are married, you do not owe anyone, anything. Minor Sexual Assault: Is any act with a child by a person of trust or someone older (depending on state law of age of consent) This can come in forms of peeping at a child, exposing oneself to a child, or even exposing a child to pornography. Sexual assault may have other pieces. Pieces such as: physical force/pressure, emotional coercion, psychological force, threats, or manipulation to coerce. If you think you may be the victim of abuse, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Financial abuse is a very powerful method of keeping a partner trapped in a relationship. It is a way to keep a victim financially unstable as well as keeping them dependent Financial abuse makes it difficult for a victim to leave an abuser in order to gain safety. After a victim leaves the relationship, the abuser may continue the abuse in an effort to keep that person dependent. If you think you may be the victim of abuse, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. DOWNLOAD THIS ARTICLE IN PDF FORM: Financial abuse needs to be taken seriously because it occurs in 98% of domestic violence cases. It is coercive and controlling behavior and can be a precursor to more dangerous abuses. Here are some signs of financial abuse: Control of how money is spent or giving an allowance Withholding money for basic needs Very little access to money, even if it is in a joint account Taking your money or paycheck Requiring someone to keep track of purchases Not allowing your name on bank accounts, land deeds, or mortgages Forcing someone to turn over their public benefits Refusing to pay child/spousal support Hiding assets Refusing to pay bills in order to ruin victim's credit score Blocking, interfering, or discouraging victim's employment or education Sabotaging transportation or childcare to stand in the way of a victim maintaining their job When victims choose to leave the relationship, they may find that it is hard to gain economic independence, safety, and security in the long term. If they were prohibited from working or the abuser sabotaged childcare or transportation, the victim's sporadic work history can be a detriment to gainful employment. Financial abuse can create ongoing challenges for a victim. If you are in Fremont or Custer Counties, call Family Crisis Services if you need help or someone to talk with (719-275-2429).

Verbal abuse is a type of emotional abuse that can occur in any type of relationship (family, work, social, friend). Words are consistently used to ridicule, manipulate, degrade, intimidate, and maintain control over another person. Both men and women can be the victim of verbal abuse OR they can be the perpetrator. It can be challenging to recognize abuse without physical wounds, but keep in mind that verbal abuse can be a precursor to physical violence. If you think you may be the victim of abuse, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. DOWNLOAD THIS ARTICLE IN PDF FORM: Here are some signs of Verbal Abuse: Name-calling - Whether or not a person's voice is raised, name-calling is inappropriate. It is used to ridicule and belittle you into submission. Blaming - This allows a person to make the victim feel responsible for the abuse. It shifts fault away from the abuser's unacceptable behavior. Devaluing - Used to make the abuser feel superior by making the victim feel small. Jokes made at your expense - A joke is only funny when everyone is laughing. Being the target of jokes as a way to belittle you is verbal abuse. Yelling or screaming - This is intimidation to cause a victim to submit. It is an effort to control and have power over someone. Criticism - Constructive criticism is one thing. Persistent criticism is designed to erode your self-esteem. Gaslighting - An effort to get a victim to question their own thoughts and description of events. This can be blatant ("that isn't what happened" or "I never said that") or covert (hard to pinpoint). Gaslighting causes confusion for the victim. Words meant to cause shame - Being told that you are stupid, a bad person, or a loser, is meant to humiliate you. Humiliate in public - Harsh criticism or being made fun of in public can feel very demeaning. Threats - Threats are meant to cause fear that will lead to control over the victim. If you are a victim of verbal abuse, it is essential that you take care of yourself. Setting boundaries or limiting your engagement in the relationship may help. If needed, you may need to end things. If you are in Fremont or Custer Counties, call Family Crisis Services if you need help or someone to talk with (719-275-2429).

Stalking is a pattern of repeated and unwanted attention that is directed at a specific person and will cause that person to feel fearful and/or that they are in danger. Stalking is about power and control. On their own, some stalking behaviors might not seem overly threatening, but when there is a pattern of conduct that is invasive and consistent, it may be a case of stalking. Stalking is something to take seriously as it can escalate and become violent over time. If you think you may be the victim of stalking, please seek help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. COMMON STALKING BEHAVIORS: Threatening a person or a person's family, friends, or pets. Repeated and unwanted phone calls (this includes hang-ups), texts, emails, or even gifts. Shows up and lingers at specific locations as a way to visually monitor a person. Consistently watching or following a person from a distance. Damaging home, car, or property. Monitoring a person's activity using computer technology such as Spyware or GPS. Using other people (such as family and friends) to monitor, track or communicate with a person. If you or someone that you know is being stalked, take it seriously. Use the links below to learn more about safety and logging incidents as you prepare to contact the authorities or an advocate. DOWNLOAD THIS ARTICLE IN PDF FORM: Click here to read Safety Tips for Stalking Victims. Keeping track of a stalker's behavior is important as you prepare to alert the authorities. Tracking will help you to remember specific dates, situations, and places where stalking happens. Click here to download a Stalking Incident and Behavior Log.

It takes courage for someone to step forward and talk about a domestic violence situation. When someone you know opens up, you will probably find yourself not knowing what to say or do. This is 100% normal and you can still help someone navigate this difficult road without having all of the answers. The best thing to offer a victim is a loving, safe, and supportive space. Keep in mind that when a victim comes forward, they already have a rough time trusting themselves due to control and manipulation. Let them speak without judgment or blame. The victim is generally worried that no one will believe them and if you validate that fear by discounting them, they may shut down and cease to seek help. DOWNLOAD THIS ARTICLE IN PDF FORM: Getting out of and healing from a domestic violence situation can be a long road and you are, possibly, the first step in a journey. Call your local Domestic Violence Crisis Center for more resources and support. If you are in the Fremont and Custer County area, call 1-719-275-2429. Here are some tips for supporting the victim: Listen to the victim's story by allowing them to talk freely and openly. Coming forward to let you in on what is happening can be very difficult for the victim. The shame and isolation that usually accompanies a violent relationship is hard to overcome. Their reaching out to you is a huge first step that most likely, to them, feels precarious and highly uncertain. Here are some things you can say to make space for the victim's story: "I know this is scary, but I am here for you." "You are not alone. I will be here for you in this process." "I will listen without judgment." "You're brave for seeking support." Validate what the victim is feeling and what they are reporting. Minimizing the victim's experience or questioning what they did to cause the violence is re-traumatization. The victim needs a listening ear at this point. Here are some important things to say to validate the victim's feelings and their story: "I believe you." "I am sorry this happened to you." "You did not deserve what happened to you." "You are not alone. I am here for you." "No one deserves to be treated this way." Ask the victim how you can help them. Respect their wishes if they do not want to alert the authorities or press charges. Do not pressure the victim to leave the situation. This can be traumatic and cause the victim to retreat from your help. Search locally for a Domestic Violence Advocacy Center if you do not know where to start. Click here to read more about the struggle to leave a domestic violence relationship. Here are some ways to offer help: "How would you like to go forward in this situation?" "Let's look for resources you can consider." "What do you need from me?" "Are you safe now? Do we need to find a safe place for you?" Support the victim's decisions. A pivotal part of a victim moving forward is making their own decisions for their future. You may feel compelled to advise the victim, but it is in their best interest to make their own choices about their situation. Pointing out their options and writing out a "pro" and "con" list together, all while letting them make their own decisions, is the best support you can give. Here is what that might sound like: "What do you want to do?" "How can I best support that decision?" One challenge you might run into is that the victim may want to go back into the relationship. Keep in mind that this is their choice. An abusive relationship can be very difficult to leave for a number of reasons. The victim will know when it is time and what that looks like. You can ask how you can support them and offer to help them create a safety plan. Call your local Domestic Violence Crisis Center for more resources and support. If you are in the Fremont and Custer County area, call 1-719-275-2429.

Preparing a Safety Plan is vital in a domestic violence situation. Your plan will help you keep yourself and your kids as safe as possible and potentially become a plan to exit the relationship. Keep in mind that the abuse is not your fault. You do not deserve it. You are not to blame. You, in fact, deserve to be treated well and to live in safety. Creating your Safety Plan is a step in you taking care of yourself. You can not stop your partner's violence - only they can do that, but you can plan ahead to better protect yourself and your children. DOWNLOAD THIS ARTICLE IN PDF FORM: Your Safety Plan can either be made to reflect your decision to stay in the relationship or leave the relationship. You are the best decision-maker in your situation. You will know what needs to happen when the time comes. Adding a plan for escalated violence is important for either scenario. Once you have a plan in place, you will be able to think more clearly and make better decisions in the moment. Keep in mind that your Safety Plan is for you and should not be shared with your partner. If you have a trusted family member or friend (NOT a mutual family member or friend), they can be aware and a part of your plan. Here are items to consider for any type of Safety Plan: Make a list of emergency phone numbers such as your Local Crisis Center, trusted family and/or friends, your Social Worker, and The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. You will want to put this list in a place that your partner is not aware of. (Read about Phone/Technology Safety) Are you able to see a pattern with your partner's violence? Triggers, events, or conversations that spark a violent episode? This information will inform the next step. Make a plan for possible scenarios. If ABC happens, I will do XYZ. For example, if my partner begins to yell at me, I will move the conversation into the living room where there is a door for me to exit. Think of rooms in your home with a safe exit, while avoiding rooms with weapons (Ex: the kitchen has knives and other sharp objects) or rooms with no exit. Your Advocate will help you think through situations and create your plan. Do your children know how to call 911? Teach them when to call, how to call, and what information to give (description of the incident, address, full name). Keep some money in your emergency bag or on your person at all times. This will be especially helpful if your exit becomes an emergency. Pack an emergency bag for yourself and your children. Hide it somewhere safe (mutual friends and family should not be considered safe when you are leaving). What belongs in your emergency bag? Here is a list of items you will want to consider and plan for ahead of time: Driver's License/Registration/Insurance Medical Insurance Card Your own personal Credit Cards List of phone numbers (mutual friends and family are not safe at this time) Financial records (bank statements, income assistance documentation, tax records, etc.) Court Orders/Protection Orders Work Permit/Green Card Birth certificates Medications and/or prescriptions Keys for home, car, safety deposit box, etc. Clothes and toiletries Special significance items for you and your children (For example your grandmother's wedding ring or a child's favorite stuffed animal) Pictures of spouse and children Feel free to add to this list any items you know you need/want to have with you. Thinking ahead will make at least this part of your plan happen fairly easily. Another consideration is to start your own private bank account. A separate bank from the one your partner uses will be best. This way you can add money to the account before an emergency comes up. A little bit of money each week adds up over time. Once again, remember the importance of seeking help from a Domestic Violence Advocate. If you are local (Fremont of Custer Counties) call us at 719-275-2429. Or you can call your local Crisis Center or the National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. The help of an Advocate can be invaluable when it comes to creating your Safety Plan, as well as letting you know which services are available to you and your children.